I find that on the emotional roller coaster there are good days and bad days. It actually is kind of like real roller coasters. There are some that are the fun kind and then there are some that really scare the hell out of you.
I have determined that despite the stress that I am going through, I still have to go on with life. Laundry still needs to be done, groceries still need to be bought. Just because I don't eat much doesn't mean I should make Derek suffer.
I asked another adoptive parent, whom I met in Khabarovsk, how she survived. Shelly (and her husband, Mark) had to wait 8 months to go back to get their sons. She said she took on more classes to teach and pretty much kept herself busy with other stuff. She is lucky. She works outside of the house. My computer seems to have a suck factor. Everytime I go to do something else I gravitate back to the computer, just to check for an update. So what do I do about it? Work!
I try to pretend that I don't actually have a job, but in reality I do. I am a business owner. I actually own a landscape design business. News to you? Likely no, but to me it is.
I got a call this morning from someone who saw a back yard I designed and now she wants me to do her yard! Makes me feel kinda good! Apparently, not only am I a landscape designer, I am a good one at that. Who knew?
So here is the plan... take on as many design clients as I can find. Continue to promote my Big Yellow Box business (any takers on a party?) And, do what any self respecting gardener does! Play in the dirt.
Less feeling sorry for myself, actually putting on makeup, and make the bed every day! When all else fails, rearrange the front yard in the rain.

I did do some reading of a blog by another pre-adoptive parent. She had posted a story that really touched my heart. She heard it at an informational meeting for her agency (also waiting reaccreditation) I thought I would share it with you.

Different Trip to the Same Place
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding the planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!" After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, We're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat." "By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart Set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as thy like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.