Things have been moving forward in the adoption world, but not for us. I first want to preface all of this by saying that I am truly happy for all of those who have received good news in the past few weeks. You have all been my friends and support through this wait and for that I will be forever grateful. To let the remaining readers in on the good news outside of our house here it is.

Gaye and Andrew received their official referral this week. They will be traveling March 11th to meet Roman, an 11 month old little boy in Kalingrad Russia. They have waited since August for their referral, so this was a long time coming. Go on over to their site and send them a big congratulations!

Lauri and John got word today of a March 14th court date. They had expected to wait at least 4 weeks for a court date. This was very fast! Lauri will have her dream come true of her daughter in her arms by St. Patrick's Day. Please congratulate them too.

In our little world there is no news. And please trust me when I tell you that when we do have news you will know. You will be able to hear me on every corner of this earth. Mary-Mia summed it up the best. The best thing you can do for us is to not ask. We know this is difficult. We know that you ask because you care, but at this point we don't have the emotional strength to talk about it right now.

What we would really like are comments like, "I am sorry you are having to go through this." or "I am not going to ask, just know that my prayers are with you everyday." Follow this up by a hug. Of course if you do this please expect a very long hug and a very wet shoulder. (at least from me)

Despite my overwhelming joy for those who did receive good news I can't help but feel raging jealousy. Both D and I are having a bout with the "it's not fair" right now. How can you pray and pray and pray for a child just to have your prayers go unanswered? How can you watch it be so easy for those around you.

Just for the record this is what we have encountered in the past 12 months.

Fertile family member #1 brings home an adopted baby girl to add more estrogen to her house.
Fertile friend #1 gave birth to a healthy, but premature baby girl.
Fertile friend #2 gave birth to a healthy and adorable baby boy
Fertile friend #3 gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
Infertile friend #1 brought home a domestically adopted baby after starting the adoption process after us.
Infertile friend #2 receives a referral for an adorable baby girl.
Fertile friend #4 becomes pregnant with child #2 before child #1 is 1 year old.
Fertile family member #2 gives birth to a healthy baby boy.
Infertile friend #3 receives a referral for a wonderful baby boy.
Infertile friend #2 receives a court date to bring home the adorable little girl.

That's a lot of babies huh? I am happy for every single one of those mothers. I have dutifully gone out and purchased a gift or made something for nearly every one of them. My heart is warmed knowing that all of these children have mothers who I respect with every fiber of my being. But at the same time I am jealous. and I believe I have the right to be jealous.

I have watched the excitement mount around these women. I have heard people ohh and ahh over round swollen bellies. I remember the excitement that surrounded us when we got the referral for Alexander. The tears that were shed. The butterflies in our stomachs as we prepared to fly 1/2 way around the world to meet him. And I watched that excitement fade. It became like this gray stain. Something that lingers over us. Long gone are the days of the baby blue bibs and the rattles. Quickly approaching are the days of matchbox cars and a crib that will be obsolete. A crib that has never been slept in.

I remember every holiday last year. I remember saying, "next year we will be able to buy him is first little Easter outfit." Easter will likely come and go with no A.

Please know that I am not in that deep dark place of a few weeks ago. I am actually happy. I have disconnected myself from the rumor mill. I have spent the majority of my days away from the computer (except for the occasional ECD flare up.) I am being a productive member of society. But underneath it all is this feeling of "it's not fair."

I kindly ask that you don't bring up the adoption. Please don't tell me you understand unless you are right there with me, going through the same thing, or have gone through it before. Just tell me you are sorry or that you are praying for us. And... I can always be comforted with a coffee, an order for a quilt, or the offer to take me to a plant nursery. And as for D, take him out for a beer. He'd like that.