Imagine wanting to be a parent more than anything in the world. Think about the excitement of the prospect of holding this beautiful brand new baby in your arms. Feel the heartbreak as you watch every month pass by with nothing. Doctors wanting to cut you open just to look under the hood. More doctors wanting to put you on a medication that you have heard horror stories about. Picture the light at the end of the tunnel when you hear an unmistakable calling to find your child in a foreign country. Joy at the thought that God didn't really leave you out on the whole parenting thing. That He had other plans for you. That you are supposed to take a different trip to the same place.
An overwhelming fear washes over you as you stare at an ominous stack of papers. You must answer questions about the most intimate details of your life. You must complete reams of paperwork just to be considered to be a parent. Background checks, finger prints, medical exams. You start to question why is it that you are on this journey.
A day comes when you see something that looks like hope. It is disguised as a photo of a little boy. The most beautiful child you have ever seen in your life. Big brown eyes stare at you through the photo. This is your child. He lives 1/2 a world away.
With trepidation you board a plane. You fly across an ocean to meet a little boy that the Lord has led you to. It is amazing. Your can't imagine that you could feel so much love for any one person. He is perfect. Perfect face, healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes. You know because you count them over and over. You hug him and hold him and tell him over and over that you love him and that he is your son.
Then there comes the day. The day you hand him to a woman. God how you wish you didn't have to do that. How you wish that you didn't have to say goodbye. You wish that this was the moment that was going to be forever. That you could whisk him away from this place, but no. You kiss him one last time. You tell him one last time that you love him and that mommy will be back soon to get you. And you walk away.
You board that plane again. Flying back across the ocean you wonder again why you were picked to take this trip.
Before you left you thought it would only be a short time before you got back on that plane to run back to your son. Imagine the discouragement when the person helping you breaks the bad news that she needs one piece of paper for you to go back. The horror as you read that yet another woman has killed her child, a child that she got from your son's country. Feel the outrage that this woman sparks as her actions not only end an innocent life, but stop you and everyone else from bringing their children home.
The days pass by. They become weeks and then months. You have nothing more than photos to look at. The photos are everywhere. In your home, at work, you carry them with you everywhere.
Imagine that a foreign government has complete control over your child. They refuse to send you updates on your child. You have no clue if he is alright. Has he been ill? Is he walking? How much does he weigh? Are you still able to go back to get him?
Four months later there is news. The foreign government is going to investigate every agency. They are going to make the determination if your agency is good or not. With bated breath you wait. Two weeks later there is good news. Your agency is good. The government says they will give you the paper soon.
In the mean time you watch your friends give birth to their children. You watch other mothers travel to pick up their children. All the while you sit and wait with no word. Milestones pass. Birthdays, holidays. Events that you were sure you would have your child for.
People ask why you can't just go back and get him. They ask what is taking so long. They ask, when are you going back. All you can answer is I don't know. Over and over again, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
On the outside you show a brave face. You smile and know people ask because they care. On the inside you are secretly withering away. With every I don't know your heart breaks a little more for the boy you said good bye to.
More months go by. It is eight months now. Eight months with no word. No hope. Other agencies are getting the paper. Other children are coming home. If you don't hear anything by first thing in the morning then you have to claw your way through another day of waiting. They are on the other side of the world and sleep soundly while you try to manage another day with the brave face.
Your only solace comes in the form of the others. Those stuck just like you. People who have become like family. People who have looked into their children's eyes and had to say good bye, mommy will be back for you soon.
You start everyday with hope and watch it turn to despair, all the while putting on the brave face.

Imagine that this is your world.

Picture, if you will, a woman sitting at a table in a hotel. She is wearing a dark fuchsia pink strapless ball gown and feeling a little over dressed. Strange people come up to her and tell her how much they like her dress. She socializes with the others seated at the table and tries to calm her fear of over dressing with wine. Then it begins... a parade of high-five'n-white guys. Men dressed in suits congratulating themselves on a job well done. She has entered...


The Nerd Zone...

The Nerd Zone is a place caught somewhere between reality and utter freakdom. It is a place where the nerds can come together to celebrate their true nerdiness. These nerds we speak of are none other than life insurance salesmen. Not only are they insurance salesmen they are all Lutheran.
The woman sits captivated by the shear nerdiness of this event. There are power point presentations with star wars music. Cheesy motivational speeches on how to be a team player. Congratulations to those who have the most ABC's and QR-47's and special recognition on those who remembered to put the new cover sheet on the TPS report. Maybe even one or two who needed to refine the act of the XYZ. The only thing saving the woman from becoming one of them is the hosted bar.
The evening concludes with the ritual dance of the nerd. Imagine 50 of the nerds in close proximity. They have also partaken of the hosted bar. Music begins playing. The woman recognizes the music. She takes another large drink from her wine glass. The song... The YMCA.

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This year D celebrated his 5 year anniversary with his employer. Yes his employer is a life insurance company that serves the Lutheran Community. They hold this fancy dinner every year. 5 years I have been going to this little shindig. I get a new dress, do up my hair and the thing that saves me every year is the wine. Copious amounts of wine.
Now don't get me wrong. I appreciate the event. We get a night in a hotel for free. Usually a very nice hotel. I get a free dinner and there is that hosted bar. But the thought of sitting in a room with God only knows how many life insurance salesmen makes me want to just run.
The worst part is admitting that you are actually aging. The newbies look younger and younger every year. When in reality it is I who am looking older and feeling older.

I had to go to the bathroom at one point and I overheard two of the newbie girlfriends or wives talking. The conversation went a little something like this.

#1: OMG!!! did you see "Mary's*" dress.
#2: No, what did it look like?
#1: It is totally awesome! It is like this short silver thing. She looks so good!
#2: That is so cool... I mean I can't believe what some people where to this.
#1: oh I know, the invitation said cocktail dress, but exactly what is a cocktail dress?

I thought they seriously were going to bust into a whole thing about "Did you see how that whore Jane was looking at me? Like, who does she think she is macking on my boyfriend like that?"
When exactly did I get back to highschool?

*"Mary's" dress was killer!! I have this secret personal war to try to out do her every year, but this year I failed miserably!! That dress rocked!

So as far as the dress picture goes... Sorry bloggy fans... the photo is not flattering. D took a photo of me in the room before we went down to dinner. I kinda stood at an angle to the camera and I think I look like 2 ton tilley. So no photo for you. You want to see what I look like? There is one photo of me out there on the internet. You will just have to find it.

So that is our fancy dress-up dinner. I will add a disclaimer that I have had 2 hours of sleep and anything in this post may or may not be true once I have had my fair share of shut eye.

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now that I have had some sleep and re-read my post... I still find it funny. Don't get me wrong, D's company goes all out for this thing. Good hotel, good food, an excuse to get dressed up, but it is diffcult for us.
When you feel like you are the only one in the room who is not recognized for any professional accomplishment this year, you have to find humor in the situation somehow. And remember I am verging on the edge of crazy here people. Just live with me.

there is a Canadian screwing it up. (well the actual phrase was a little more expletive, but to maintain my strong PG rating I censored myself)

This week's update brought to you by... oh hell I couldn't think of anything clever:

This afternoon there were shouts and tears of joy. A Canadian agency to remain nameless shamelessly posted on their website that they were indeed reaccredited. The truth to that claim remains to be seen. According to Olga they prematurely announced the happy news. She believes that they heard they would be reaccredited and published the news to the world. When in reality they likely have not been reaccredited.

Our shouts of joy were directed to the inventors of non-freezing ink. However, the formula has yet to be perfected. So no news quite yet. We are all hoping that maybe tomorrow... ahh, who am I kidding. This child is going to pick me up from the airport.

In other news... D has this fancy dress-up dinner for work every year. We went to the mall Tuesday night so he could buy a new shirt and tie. I figured while I am there I would look around and see if I couldn't find a new dress. Guess who I find at the department store? My mega-ultra bargain shopper friend, Kim. Kim cons me into trying on a dress. According to Kim and D it looked really good. And at $30, who could argue. So I bought it. The problem is, while Kim and I are trying on our dresses a woman comes out of a dressing room and says, "Oh, is it prom time or something?" Directing the comment at us! So now I am totally paranoid that I am going to look like some high school prom thing. The invitation clearly states "cocktail dresses." This is not a cocktail dress. I won't tell you what it looks like, because D's mom reads this blog and she will also be attending the function. I kinda want it to be a surprise. It is the kind of dress I have always wanted to fit into and look good in, but it is a little formal. Dear Lord, wish me luck. I won't promise you will get any photos of me in this thing.

NO, we have not heard about reaccreditation. That is not the good news.

The good news is that Lauri & John got their referral!!!!!!!! They are not an AIA family, but their's is a blog I have been reading for some time. They have struggled with infertility, started with Ukraine and switched to Russia. They have waited quite a long time for this day to come!!!! So go on over to Lauri's blog and give her a congratulations!!! What are you waiting for? Go, NOW!

I saw this idea on another blog and thought it was rather a good one. The idea is from the host of a Chinese adoption forum. Some of us have realized that there are a good number of people with blogs that are adopting from China, Guatemala, and domestically. However the number of Eastern European blogs seems to be more difficult to find.

So here is the idea. If you are one of our readers and you have a blog that is not already listed in my blogroll (see right) please leave me a comment with the url of your blog name. I would like to start a list of these. I will say that Karen's Adoption Links does have a good list of family websites, but they are mostly people who have already adopted. There are so few of us that are still waiting.

So leave me a comment. We really won't bite! I have met so many people just in the last few weeks it is amazing. You are all a constant source of support and I want to share that with everyone else!

Oh how I have missed you my sweet email and blogs. As I have said before I am in need of getting a life, but I don't want to so live with it. I went 24 hours without the ability to check my email and survived! For those of you also suffering with ECD the good news is it isn't terminal.

D and I had a lovely day away from home. We finally made it out of the house at about 11:30 yesterday morning. Of course the furthest we got was the gas station before I realized I had forgotten my allergy pills. And we know what kind of trip it would be had I forgotten later. So around noon we finally got on the road. Quick stop north of Seattle for an oh-so-healthy lunch and a potty stop and we again were off.

The highlight of the drive was watching a guy drive down the road, talk on his cell phone and read a piece of paper all at the same time. I really should have taken a photo, but D passed him too fast.

And did you know that Canada is open 24 hours? There is a big sign near the border that tells you so. (actually it says the border crossing is open 24 hours, but I think it is funnier my way)

We cross the border with no problem since apparently no one really wants into Canada. There was like a 2 minute wait. We headed straight for Vancouver for the obligatory shopping. I slobbered at the beautiful houses along South Granville and the quaint little shops. I love that area.

We decided that since we had some time before check-in that we would do some shopping in the mall. First it took forever to find a parking garage. Once parked we ventured into the mall which, of course, is being renovated. We walked through Sport Check, the mother of all sporting good stores and found one of the Roots stores. Then we started the "hunt".

The Hunt is for a Canadian Olympic Sweatshirt. This meant finding a Bay store. Fortunately once we left the mall there was one right on the corner. This place is magnificent. It is a cross between Macy's and Nordstrom. The exception being that they had a huge Olympic Gear section. And there it was! The coveted sweatshirt. Despite the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted it still took me 20 minutes to make up my mind. I had to try it on, decide between a men's or a women's... needless to say, I am now wearing my new sweatshirt. I love it. Really really love it. Chances are I won't take it off for the next 2 weeks!

So the rest of the trip was fantastic also. Our room was on the 31st floor of the Marriott. Gorgeous view of the harbor. I had grand plans of taking photos to show all of you, but my attention span had other ideas. I turned on my camera and the screen said "no card". Yes, I had fresh batteries, but no memory card. So even if I did have the opportunity to take a photo of the distracted driver, I couldn't.

We had a great dinner at the Shanghai Chinese Bistro. If ever in Vancouver, you must eat there. They do a nightly show where they make fresh noodles. We were too early, but we had other plans.

Before we left I made an effort to not check to see if the Canucks were in town. That way I would be oblivious and say D the trouble of driving by GM place just so I could flash a little leg to see if the ushers would let me in. Well turns out they were in town. Not only that... they were playing the Canadiens (only me second favorite team ever) AND when we turned the game on with 6 minutes left in the first, the Canucks were winning 6 nothing!!! Again I had to sit in a hotel to watch a great game. Just my luck.

All in all it was a great trip. We were so happy to get away just for a night. We got to spend some quality us time. I will admit I was glad to get home to see my kitties, and of course check my email.

First I would like to apologize for the fact that our template might have looked a little screwed up. And if you have checked our blog multiple times today I am sure you saw something different everytime you checked. I thought I had figured out this really cool trick, but it turns out I didn't. Ok, I did, but for those of you still stuck in the stone age with Internet Explorer it didn't work. It looked fantastic on my computer! You all should have stopped by to see it!

But alas... it was not to be. I couldn't stand the thought of you guys looking at half-assed work. So I am back to a relatively plain layout. Don't get me wrong, the graphics are all Elle, but I can't figure out how to change some colors that I don't like and I am at the point where I don't really care.

So I suppose this being the end of the week you are looking for the weekly update.

Let's say that this weekly update is brought to you by Prozac. Lord help me I need some. (I really did have something more clever, but since my mom reads this blog I thought better of extreme profanity)

There really isn't any big news to share. All the paperwork the MoE needed for reaccreditation has been completed and we are just waiting for them to sign the document. Sounds fantastic right? Oh I will be the first to tell you that this is definitely good news, but... Isn't there always a but?

It seems that mother nature now wants to intervene in the process. If it isn't one thing it is another. Apparently Moscow, and most of Russia, has been hit with an extremely deep freeze. To conserve power the Russians are closing certain buildings and suggesting that residents stay home. So that means no one is working!!!!!! The MoE is apparently closed for the rest of the week.

I am not sure when they are supposed to reopen or when this cold front is supposed to move on through, but this is putting a big kink in my life.

I refer back to an earlier post in which I mentioned starting an ink drive. I am thinking we need to go back to this plan. In the original post it was to get ink for the ever elusive "approved" stamp. I am now thinking that we need to invent some kind of "never-freeze" pen ink. I believe this ink must also come from some remote South American village thus having to travel by burro.

I think I have officially crossed over the crazy threshold.

It was one year ago today that we officially began our adoption journey. One year ago at this very moment our social worker was stepping into our home to evaluate our fitness as parents. I thought I would give you a rather long timeline of what we have done in the past year.

1/17 - 1st meeting with social worker
2/3 - sent autobiographies to social worker
2/8 - received passports (applied for 1/14)
2/12 - filled out I-600A
2/12 - sent application to agency
3/7 - I-600A filed with USCIS (INS)
3/17 - Signed agency contract (celebrated with cornedbeef and beer)
3/26 - Received first set of paperwork from agency
4/15 - Received Homestudy (complete with typos)
4/18 - Sent revised Homstudy to USCIS
4/18 - Sent initial dossier to agency
4/20 - Dossier received by agency
4/28 - REFERRAL!!!
4/29 - Sent medical to kick ass Dr. Darenkov
5/6 - Fingerprinted
5/30 - Boarded plane for Russia
6/2 - Officially met the boy
6/4 - Leave Russia for the "long wait"
6/12 - Second half of paperwork complete and apostilled
7/27 - Email from Olga to get a new certificate of residency
10/4 - Olga received new certificate of residency
10/27 - Agency supposed to receive reaccreditation, MoE meeting postponed.

That is it. We have done nothing since the beginning of October.

Here it is a year later. I suppose I should whine about the fact that I thought we would have our child home by now. I could complain that this just isn't fair. But after this long. I am too tired for that anymore. I know that I am closer to the end than I am to the start. I keep telling myself that.

So cheers to all of you just starting this process, may it take significantly less time than ours. Hugs to you that are right there with us and gigantic Big Gulps of margaritas to those of you stuck in this nightmare much longer than us! May we have the opportunity to get together to share poopy diaper stories!!

I thought I would take a moment and tell you how we joined the adoption world. Please do remember that this is OUR story. Yours may be different. We all come into the adoption circle by different means. It is not a contest to see who deserves to be here the most. All of our stories are different and need to be told. There is often another family out there that went through the same thing you did. They need to hear our journeys.

After 7 years of marriage D and I decided it was time to bring a little person into our house. I did like nearly every woman and rushed off to the doctor to evaluate the state of my reproductive health. I proudly proclaimed to Dr. Indifferent, "We want to have a baby!" Dr. Indifferent tells me, "80% of couples get pregnant in the first 12 months, you are healthy, go for it." So we do.

We purposely did not tell any of our family and friends. Mainly because after 7 years most of them were starting to think that we never wanted children. We thought it might be fun to surprise them and say we were pregnant. Of course there were a few that figured it out and others that were pretty clueless.

After about 8 months of trying I really started to think that this just was not going to work. I knew something was wrong, but wasn't quite sure what it was. A year after we stared I headed back to Dr. Indifferent for the yearly exam. I told doc that we had been at it for a year with no success. No false alarms, nothing. I also told him of pain that I experienced during my cycle. I knew the pain is what was causing the issues. Dr. Indifferent told me that "90% of couples conceive in the first 18 months of trying. Your pain might be caused by endometriosis, but we would have to do surgery to determine that. Or it could be male factor. You should have your husband tested first." Woah, Woah, Woah!!! Did he just say surgery?! Yes, yes he did. The man wanted to cut me open just to look around. So Dr. Indifferent gave me some pamphlets on Endo (info I already knew), a specimen cup for D and sent me on my way.

When I got home I told D what Dr. Indifferent had said. I put the specimen cup in a drawer and we agreed that we would continue to try for another 6 months and then go from there.

The same month as the appointment with Dr. Indifferent I had my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't want to go, but my best friend flew all the way down from Alaska to attend, so I couldn't say no. She was about 4 months pregnant at the time and we had a discussion about getting pregnant. She said the phrase that many hate to hear, "Well if it doesn't work you can always adopt." This phrase doesn't make me cringe as much as others. She followed it up with, "I could see you doing that." The conversation ended right there since we were walking up to the check-in spot for the reunion. But for some reason that phrase stuck with me.

Two months later and still not pregnant I started thinking. I somehow knew in the back of my mind that this just was not going to work. I knew I had endo, but I kept hearing, "oh, so-and-so has endo and they got pregnant." That sentence grated on my brain like nails on a chalk board. I finally said screw it! I sat down at the computer and typed "International Adoption" into Google. It came up with the AWAA web site. I clicked on it and started reading. China - too young, Vietnam - closed, Ukraine - too long of an in-country stay, Russia... All of a sudden it was like someone shoved me in the back and said, "I gave you your child, I put him in Russia." Chills huh? Me too. From that moment on I never looked back. D was another story.

It took me about a while to convince D that this was what was in the cards for us. D is a thinker and analyzer. He read as much as he could find on the internet and slowly but surely he agreed. We decided that this was something that we would actually follow through on. Not another dream we would just think about.

You see, we did know a few things about ourselves. After that second meeting with Dr. Indifferent we had decided that we would not pursue ART (artificial reproductive therapy). At the time we thought that insurance wouldn't cover it and we thought it to be kind of selfish (these are our thoughts). We also decided that we would not even consider a domestic adoption. Being a domestic adoptee I have issues with the "new" system. I don't like the thought of the open adoptions and I didn't like the thought of having to sell yourself as parents. Actually I have many issues with domestic adoption, but that is a whole different story.

So one year ago tomorrow we officially began the process to adopt a child from Russia. Of course we now know what caused the conception issues, but that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is we are now part of this community.

I have met so many people during this journey. I am grateful for each and every one of them. I cry when I hear the stories of the pain they suffered during IVF or the loss of each baby. I am so happy when a new person enters our circle. Our stories are unique, but they are what brings us here. This big family.

For those of you who read at the end of the week for the weekly adoption update I do apologize. As you may have already guessed there really wasn't news to report. We were told the same ol' thing as last time, "They're working on it." I swear the Russian Government works at the speed of a someone driving a Daewoo, carpooling to Weight Watcher's meeting.

Of course the rumor mill is once again rearing its ugly head. You are surprised? Well you shouldn't be. The collective "They" does this about every three days. Someone posts some email they got from their agency saying, "We have been informed by the MoE that reaccreditations will happen in the coming week." For the love of Christ people!!! Stop posting this type of crap. All you do is raise the hopes of those of us stuck in this living nightmare just to have it obliterated the next week when no papers are signed.

(*breathing*)

Sorry... I had a moment there.

Truly, I do appreciate those who try to keep the adoption community apprised of what small iota of information that may possible be passed along, but they are simply just rumors. And we all know what rumors do. They make the nerdy girl in the corner the butt of every 4-eyes joke in the school. (oh wait no, that was me in high school, sorry)

Anyway, no news. I PROMISE!!! I will let you all know once I know anything definitive.

I just found out that one of my favorite blogs is up for a Best of Blogs Award. I am completely aware that I have far too much free time on my hands. Please don't take the time to remind me.

So I encourage you all to go vote for mary-mia now!!! M3 is up for a best adoption/ infertillity blog award. She is trailing A little pregnant, which we all know is NOT an adoption blog. And we all know that the really cool people are adopting. Besides, M3 is like me... running far away from anything that has to do with IVF. Good Girl!

So the way this works is go to BoB and scroll down to the bottom of the poll lists, click the button that says "Do they have Salsa in China?" Then click vote. She's just gotta win!

Last year this woman named Sheryl created de-lurking day. It is a day for those of you who secretly read blogs to come out of the wood work and post a comment. Now I have tried to get many of you lurkers to post comments on our blog. My attempts have been mildly successful, but Derek seems to get more comments than I do. Of course his posts are these wonderful, eloquent and meaningful posts while mine are useless crap. With that being said... I still know there are many of you who read and don't post. So here is you chance. De-Lurk day has been made into De-lurk week. You have a whole week to tell me that you actually like me. If you are afraid of posting to this blog and would rather post just to me (as opposed to both D and I) you can send your comments to Elle.
Comments really are like Crack to some of us bloggers. Once we get one we can't get enough. It makes us feel special and dammit I need to feel special. So come out, come out where ever you are. Just a small sentence to say, "My name is L, I am a lurker."

Next week... the politically charged debate.

Well it seems like forever since I've posted anything to the blog. I'm sure that you all have been enjoying the posts from Best Mom Ever (BME), and maybe wondering if I had anything to say. I spent some time this morning looking back at the beginning of this adventure/blog. We certainly have come a long way. I often try to remind myself of the promise that L and I made when we started all this: We agreed to take things as they came. That we knew that this process would have its up and downs and that we would try our hardest try to stay on an even keel. It has been awfully hard lately to be patient, accept things and let go of the things that we cannot control. How do you not get caught up in the rumors, speculations, and "what-ifs"? I will be the first to admit that the last six months have been the hardest of my life. It's hard not to be angry, sad, or wonder if this adoption will ever happen. It would be easy to say how unfair it has all been. How it's unfair that all our friends around us are having babies and adding to their families. How unfair it is when you hear about other friends son and daughter getting their domestically adopted baby before us even though we started our process before them.

But then I take a deep breath and stop... and think. I go back and read our posts about the day that we met our son. The day that we got to hold him for the first time. The day we made a mess feeding him the first time, saw him smile for the first time and heard his laugh for the first time. It could be dis-heartening to think of "firsts" that we have probably missed, but I would rather think about all the firsts we experienced and of all the firsts that we will experience together in the future. The only certainty we have right now is that we cannot give up or give in because there is a little boy in Russia that is depending on us to come back for him. So we will continue to wait along with countless other families for the now infamous reaccreditation to happen. I know that with L by my side I can get though anything. Hey, we've made it this far at least.

-D

Like the stripes?

That is a Derek change. I get this call at the church today and he says, "take a look at the blog! I added a striped background."

Thus... stripes. I thought I was the one who was going to start html code as a hobby. I guess I can share. I actually think the strips are kinda neat. Better than the grey that was there.

I did start my very own blog that I can play around with. Check it out http://elleslife.blogspot.com/ I thought it was pretty nifty. I still need to add the credits and such, but I am getting there. Let me know what you think. (no mom... Elle is not a typo)

Anyway, no news to report. The latest from Olga pretty much said we will need to wait until after the 10th. The Russians celebrate Christmas at a different time than we do. And they want to spend time with their families... of all the silly things!

Happy New Year to all!!!